I don’t know if people still read my stuff. It’s not like I’ve updated regularly lately. I just haven’t had the ability to write nor known how to express myself properly. However, there’s a lot going on in my life right now that I need to get out -mainly for me, but I also feel the need to explain why I keep distancing myself from people and life in general, because some of my friends seem worried which just adds more stress on me since I’m the cause of it.
In all honesty; I’m a complete mess right now. I’m overthinking and over-analyzing everything. It’s what I do. Call it a Virgo thing if you’d like. It’s necessary for me though since I need to have my mind clear and organized in order to function – in order to live.
This is how I’m feeling at the moment. Lost in darkness and trying to find my way back into the light.
I have fears, just like everybody else, but I’m working on it. I’m searching within myself for that power to move forward.
Anyway, I’m trying to figure out where to start, and I think starting off with my nightmares would be a good idea. I get them a lot when stressing over things and I have this love-hate relationship towards them. It’s a pain in the ass to witness the morbidity they sometimes show, but in the end; they’re just dreams. They aren’t real. It’s just my stupid subconsciousness trying to project light upon whatever it is I’m going through.
The snail and slugs one:
So, my birthday is coming up. I’m apparently turning 29. God knows how that happened. Friends and family members had planned this surprise party for moi, which I attended. It was pretty nice, you know, with music, spooky decorations, gifts and yummy food.
All of a sudden my ex shows up unannounced in all his glory. That fake smile was plastered on his face, his hair was still long and in need of a serious trim, and those manipulative eyes were laced with dark promises of pain and hurt.
He was charming everyone, mingling with my people, going on and on about how much he had changed and grown from the person he used to be and so on. I went into defense. I wasn’t buying it. It pissed me off that he thought he could just waltz right back into my life and act like nothing had happened, so I left. I left when he should have been the one leaving.
It was dark outside and slightly cold. I could hear my footsteps echoing off the pavement. I also heard someone else’s footsteps coming up behind me, so I walked faster. Have you noticed how much this resembles a horror movie? I panicked because I knew exactly who it was, so I took off into a sprint, rounded a corner and bumped into this amazingly looking swordsman with green hair.
He scolded me for not looking at where I was going, but softened up when realizing my currently distressed state. The footsteps behind me died down into nothing and Zoro was kind enough to walk with me for a while, acting like my shield in a way.
A while later I arrived at this old, abandoned hospital. Zoro was suddenly gone and I was left by myself once more. A woman appeared in a broken down doorway, asking me to help her. She was supposedly pregnant, but there was blood covering her midsection. She pointed a bloody finger my way and told me to to “get them off”. I had no idea what she was talking about and then she was ‘poof’ gone.
For some reason I decided to straighten my clothes and while doing so my hand came into contact with this cold, thick and slimy substance near the hem of my shirt. I looked down and realized I was covered from head to toe in snails and slugs of various sizes. I tried swatting them away, pulled my shirt off and saw that they weren’t only covering my clothes. No, they were on me, sliding every so slowly up over my skin. I couldn’t understand how I hadn’t noticed it earlier, but as I touched them I realized their body temperatures had changed to match mine, so instead of being cold -they were warm, like me.
I started pulling them off, tearing them off, peeling them off of my skin, and while doing so pieces of my flesh were torn off with them. I panicked again, blood was oozing out from where the snails had been, and I could literally feel that physical pain through the dream -if that makes sense? Then Joshua was there and he was trying to help me get them off. He was crying non-stop while fighting his fear of snails because he wanted to help me. He wanted to help his wounded mom.
Slime from the slugs got mixed with my blood and it was all just a disgusting, gory mess with intestines falling out from the open flesh-wounds and what not.
I woke up soon after that and questioned whether to try to go back to sleep or not. My mind was racing, trying to make sense of everything and blah.
A couple of weeks ago my ex tried adding me on fb again. This is someone I don’t want included in my life in any way. He’s a manipulative sociopath with serious trust issues and an unhealthy obsession of having control. He’s been trying to contact me numerous of times since I broke it off back in 2010 and I’ve told him again and again that I want him to stop. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to see his face. I don’t want him to contact me. But he doesn’t listen. He has texted me, sent me pm’s on fb, tried adding Catchu’s account since I keep blocking him on mine, but then he makes new accounts and tries again and again. It’s not only on fb. He’s doing the same thing on other sites I’m on and I’m so tired of it. So damn tired of him.
He frightens me. I’m not gonna lie about that. He’s extremely unpredictable and I fear he’s gonna google my new address and show up at my home. That would be a real-life nightmare e.e
Being in a relationship with him was awful. I wasn’t allowed to do anything. I wasn’t allowed to pee nor shower with the bathroom door locked. He checked my emails, made me answer the phone with him listening in on the conversation. He went through my texts, told me what I could and could not write. He raped me because he saw my body as his property and therefore he should be allowed to have his way with me whenever he pleased, whether I was in on it or not. He threatened me when I tried to leave and did everything in his power to try to break me.
However, being with him made me realize some things about myself.
Now, back to the nightmare and what it meant to me.
The reason my ex showed up in the dream was obviously because he made another attempt at trying to contact me, and my subconscious was making me aware of how it affected me by showing me the slugs and the snails. The fact that they climbed on me and tore pieces of my flesh off symbolizes (to me) old wounds opening up. Maybe I haven’t healed enough during these past 5 years, but then again, how can I when keeps trying to be a part of my life all the time?
I googled slugs and their meaning when showing up in dreams and came across this:
“A slug represents simplicity, letting go, forgiving, not collecting the bad stuff, words, or thoughts of other people, and to not becoming attached but rather connecting to a solid base while moving forward on its journey. They also are a symbol of deep healing, wisdom, self-protection, and strength.”
Snails, on the other hand had a similar yet different meaning:
“A Snail represents the self protection of emotions and spirit. They are loners. A snail reminds us to be aware of one’s surroundings at all times while trusting their intuitive selves at each encounter they happen upon. Symbolically they remind us to learn to trust, protect one’s inner child, and to show the soft interior to others every once in a while. Snails move slowly—they exist, they live, they move at their own pace. They do not try to keep up with the rest of the world. They let everyone else move swiftly past them, yet they still arrive at their intended destination.”
I retreat or pull away when I feel threatened. I climb back into my shell and wait things out while trying to figure out my next move. This is my way of protecting myself. This is my way of coping with things. And that’s exactly what I’m doing right now. I call this the ‘hermit mode’.
But how am I supposed to deal with this situation?
Let’s look at Zoro’s part for a second. I believe he’ll fall under the category of someone I admire.
“To dream of someone you admire indicates that you need to incorporate the qualities of that person into your own self.”
Zoro is a fighter. He has a willpower that is out of this world. He has goals he will do anything in his own power to accomplish. He’s courageous, loyal, strong, straightforward, brutal and determined. He has qualities even I possess and I understand now that I need to put them into use instead of going into hiding.
I need to stand up for myself and let this idiot know that enough is enough. He’s hindering me from reaching my goals; from living a fearless life, and that’s why I need to cut him off once and for all.
Playtime is over -cracks knuckles- Let’s fight!